


A Balm for all the Burning

by Cindymint



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bittersweet Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Extremely thinly-veiled pining, F/F, Fluff, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Ignored Safeword, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, In our house we stan aftercare 👏, Ineffable Wives | Female Aziraphale/Female Crowley (Good Omens), Light Masochism, Mutual Pining, Neglect, No Aftercare, Possessive Crowley, Praise, Protective Crowley, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sleepy Cuddles, Soft Dom Crowley, Spooning, Sub Aziraphale (Good Omens), Subdrop, Subspace, Tender Crowley (Good Omens), Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25673716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cindymint/pseuds/Cindymint
Summary: She'd asked for this. This was her own fault. She'd been told it would hurt and she'd asked for it anyway.She'd gone to the home of a stranger, let that stranger beat her, and she'd let it happen, because she felt it was right.It reminded her of Heaven's punishments, the watch of eyes as a golden whip struck across her back.She'd been told this kind of pain could be nourishing, to feel this burn again not because she had to, but because she chose to. It was her choice, and she'd asked for it.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 128
Collections: ineffable wives or female presenting





	A Balm for all the Burning

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna go ahead and preface this by saying, again, the relationship at the beginning of this is NOT an accurate depiction of a healthy BDSM dynamic, which would be safe/sane/consensual and beneficial for all parties. Just gettin that out there.
> 
> Also I personally have never experienced subspace/sub-drop and this is entirely based on what I've heard from other people's experiences, which may be completely inaccurate. I just really needed a fic in my life where Aziraphale gets coerced into something she doesn't understand by some asshole just so I could make Crowley take care of her and deal with the emotional aftereffects (we're just gonna assume angels are capable of experiencing subspace/sub-drop aight)
> 
> For those that don't know, subspace is an altered psychological state like a trance which is usually brought on by a release of fight-or-flight chemicals during a scene, and causes a sub to become more tolerant to pain while becoming more...well, submissive. A lot of people say it feels like getting drunk, and for many the purpose of BDSM is to achieve this careless state.
> 
> However the downside is many people who aren't properly educated about reaching this state safely can cause someone physical/mental harm either intentionally or unintentionally, and this is especially true for sub-drop, which almost always happens afterwards. Sub-drop is when the body stops producing these chemicals and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in again, which basically means a sub will feel exhaustion, incoherence, etc.
> 
> Aftercare is extremely important to deal with this headspace, and the effects of sub-drop may last for hours or even days, and can result in depression, feeling lost, etc. Aftercare handles this by gently allowing someone to come back to a normal headspace through various methods, but usually cuddling, words of comfort, etc.
> 
> Anyway you could easily learn all this yourself (and would find so, SO much more insight than I can give) but that's the long and short of it, just to catch everybody up to speed.
> 
> (I don't usually write like...non-porn, but I was feelin like I needed some wives snugglin it out so here we go)

Aziraphale felt cold. It wasn't a particularly chilly day, on the contrary it was very warm. The sun was shining brightly, or had been...oh, it was already dark out. She hadn't noticed. She hadn't noticed much all evening.

It was getting late, nearly midnight, and she found herself wandering through the blocks without any idea where she was headed, or really where she was at all. She knew she'd been here before, she'd taken plenty of treks along these paths, but everything felt strangely foreign. Her body felt that way too.

She felt pain. It had increased from numbness to something very real, aching along her back, arms, legs. She told herself to bear with it, that a miracle shouldn't be wasted on something so small. She wasn't in danger of discorporating, it would pass.

There was a growing disconnect between herself and...well, everything. Her mind and body. Her body and the world around her. She looked down and saw her hands, but didn't quite know if they were her own. Well, she knew that logically they were, but then she waved them in front of her face and flinched, like she hadn't been expecting any movement.

She'd asked for this. This was her own fault. She'd been told it would hurt and she'd asked for it anyway. She'd gone to the home of a stranger, let that stranger beat her, and she'd let it happen, because she felt it was right. It reminded her of Heaven's punishments, the watch of eyes as a golden whip struck across her back. She'd been told this kind of pain could be nourishing, to feel this burn again not because she had to, but because she chose to. It was her choice, and she'd asked for it.

It also felt good because she knew the human enjoyed hurting her. It felt good to please others, to know that every sting would make the man happy. She didn't know why anyone would do this to another, let alone take pleasure from it, but she soon found out there was something comforting. A place beyond the pain that provided solace. She hadn't been granted such a place in Heaven, there had only been blinding light and judgement from the host that surrounded her, watching feather after feather get popped from its socket and land on the ground for each bad deed she'd committed.

She was walking, staring off into nothing. People passed her unaware, fading like ghosts from her vision. She didn't feel attached to the world, though not quite like when she'd change into a different corporation. She felt guilty. She felt used and sore. She'd been called horrible things, reduced to someone's plaything, and it was her fault alone. She had no reason to complain.

She didn't even realize when a hand tapped on her shoulder, swaying as she looked around in confusion. Crowley was there in front of her, grinning and saying something with words she couldn't make sense of in her haze. The demon's eyes widened when she failed to answer, looking her up and down.

"Angel?" she spoke through the fog of noise, lifting up Aziraphale's chin to better see her face. Golden eyes flashed over dull, sweaty skin, taking in every little twitch. "What happened to you? You look like complete shite, and I don't sense any alcohol in your system..." The angel did feel drunk though, shifting from side to side on wobbly legs. She didn't really like the idea of replying even if she could. It was too much effort right now. "Hey, look at me. What's wrong?"

"Go away, wicked serpent." was what she should've said, but she only looked at her blankly, wincing a bit. Her skin was sensitive to every touch, wary of another blow handing on her back.

"Did Heaven do this? Or was it Hell? It couldn't have been, I would've known if- look, we're calling a truce for tonight, okay? Come with me." Aziraphale couldn't focus enough to agree or refuse, feeling an arm hook around her chest and under her armpit, getting tugged against the demon's side.

*

"I want a room, and you're going to make that happen." Crowley snapped at an unfortunate receptionist, having all but dragged the angel to the nearest hotel she could find. It wasn't exactly pristine, but it had a roof and beds. More than enough for the time being. She threw a card up on the counter and tapped her foot while she waited, constantly looking down to check on the angel's condition. Aziraphale was still staring off into space, eyes glazed over and just...gone. She was huddling against a column, trying to shrink from sight, the place too bright for her liking.

It was a struggle to get the baggage of an angel up the stairs, resorting to a miracle to get to the second floor, and as soon as they walked into the room Crowley closed and locked door before setting her down on an ottoman, bending down to her level.

"Come on, speak to me. You look completely spaced out. Just what the fuck happened?!" Her hands were on Aziraphale's cheeks, tilting her face around to look. "Do you even know where you are right now? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Had a bad evening." she finally spoke, She didn't recognize her own voice, soft and broken, hoarse from crying out. Her head felt like a bowling ball, drooping, swaying. "I'm perfectly alright, my dear. What's all the worry for?" she tried to question, even as she was flinching at every touch. Crowley noticed, stepping back, but then she saw a bruise beneath the angel's shirt collar. 

"Look, I'm sorry, I'll fix this later." she growled, gripping at the top of Aziraphale's collar tugging it apart so hard and swiftly that a good portion of her blouse ripped open. Crowley's eyes grew wide, looking over the splotches of purple bruises, dots of blood beneath the skin from the especially hard strikes. It was worse on her back, the demon soon realized, holding the angel's shoulders while she turned her around to examine all the wounded skin.

"Oh, right...I forgot about that." She'd protest if she thought it was worth the effort. That, and she didn't have any fight left in her. The man had listened to her pleas and only hit her harder. It didn't seem like a good idea to resist anything anymore; just let everything happen.

  
"Aziraphale, I want you to tell me very clearly who did this to you." she tried to say gently, eyes flaring down at her so brightly it made the rest of the room look darker. "I don't care who it is, I promise nothing bad will happen to you if you tell me. I'll make sure of it."

"Ah...about that. I asked for this."

  
"...You what?"

  
"It was a consensual experience, you see. There was a human who wanted to do this with me, and I accepted. I suppose I let it go a little too far, perhaps."

  
" _Perhaps?!_ Angel, your entire back is swollen and red, you're bleeding in a few areas. Why didn't you use a safeword?"

  
"...A what?"

  
"Alright, you're telling me this bastard roped you into something like this without even giving you an option out?" She scrunched up her brows, rubbing over her face. She was pacing around the chair, muttering beneath her breath. She snapped her fingers and the wounds disappeared. Aziraphale was relieved, but didn't feel much different. "Come on, let's get you warmed up."

The angel didn't protest when she was picked up, Crowley carrying her over to the bedroom in a way that wasn't very unbecoming for a solider of the Lord. Her vision was hazy, more so when they entered the darker room. She soon found herself placed down on a cold mattress, blankets being draped on top of her. 

"You're so compliant, I can only imagine what that disgusting piece of shite was able to do to you in this state." She pressed a cup of cocoa against the angel's lips, having miracled it out of thin air. The trail of warm steam was a shock to Aziraphale's nerves. "Drink. I know you don't need it, but it should help a little. You're freezing."

"Oh, how nice." she spoke, hardly registering what was even happening at the moment. She breathed in the scent of chocolate, grounding herself slightly in memories of the drink. All those cold Winter days where she'd sit next to the fireplace, surrounded by blankets and her favorite jumper. "You're so tense. What's the matter?"

"You poor, clever, and utterly _stupid_ angel..." she sighed, sitting down on the bed beside her, though she still seemed hesitant to get too close. "Look, did the bloke who did this stay with you a while? Give you something to drink, talk things out?"

"No...he just told me I needed to leave. He had a busy morning planned out, and he said he'd had fun but that I should just go home. It's understandable."

"It's _not_ , not at all. He threw you out without a shred of aftercare? What kind of sick bastard would...oh for fuck's sake." She looked over the angel's clothes, seeing a few trails of blood in the soft fabric. "You need to get out of those. Trust me, you'll regret wearing them when you wake up. Here-" she flicked her fingers together and some dark, satiny pajamas appeared in her hand. "You can wear mine."

"Are you sure? I'd feel kind of silly in those..." she joked, tilting her head in admiration. "So shiny."

"Doubt it's much less fashionable than what you regularly wear. Just put it on, I'm going to go make sure the room's secure."

*

Aziraphale watched silently while Crowley crept through the room, drawing the curtains and looking out the peephole for any unwanted guests. There was always a chance that Heaven was watching, she remembered, her quivering growing more intense. 

The cocoa was pleasantly warm, sweat cream foam tickling her top lip. She'd managed to slip on the pajama shirt and pants, though was still trying to get her hands to function well enough to button herself up. The material felt nice, smooth and cool, so dark her body could disappear in it. She felt calmer now that she was wearing it, looking down at her own clothes that she'd thrown messily down on the floor. She just didn't have the energy to fold them neatly and set them somewhere as she normally would.

"How're you feeling, angel?"

"Still a bit cold...my body can't seem to warm up." she said truthfully, twitching as another wave of shivers went through her. Crowley had finished investigating and was now looking down at her, thoughtfully feeling her forehead. "You don't have to be so concerned, it isn't necessary. It's not as though I've suffered permanent damage."

"Yea, yea, I get it. You're an _angel_ , you bastards are completely immune to any Earthly wounds, I get it." she huffed, crawling over the bed to sit down next to her. They hadn't been so close together for a long time, at least not when they were sober. Aziraphale was propped up on a mountain of pillows, and Crowley was placing a few more blankets on her while she finished her cocoa. "Besides I'm not _concerned_ , nor am I being _kind_ , I'm making sure you're still going to be fit to be my adversary. Because if not you then Heaven'll send some other winged bastard who's just going to be completely boring. Hey, stop smiling at me like that!"

"Sorry." She quickly let her face droop, staring down at the mug.

"Fuck, I forgot you were-ack, do you want to watch a movie? I could draw you a bath?"

"No, I should just wait till my corporation fixes itself. However long that may be. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with it."

"The issue isn't your corporation. S'...a little bit deeper than that, I think."

"But you healed my wounds already."

"...Hey, did that bloke ever say he was proud of you? That you'd done a good job? Just curious."

"No, he actually said an awful lot of nasty things- oh, but when it was over, he did say 'thank you'."

"...Wow. Utterly brilliant, isn't he?" she growled, eyes gleaming in the dark. "Complete poet, has such a fucking way with praise. I suppose he didn't ask you if you were alright either."

"Well, no, actually. He didn't."

"Ha! Bet he didn't say anything about how 'soft and lovely you are', or how 'strong, brilliant, magnificent' you were, taking everything like a paragon. Maybe not even anything about how 'grateful he was to experience you', anything about how 'amazing, magnificent' you were. Did he? Did he say anything all remotely similar to that?"

"No..."

"Completely unbelievable. Did he even, at any point, hold you a little? Even just stroke along your back and tell you how good you are?"

"He never did."

"Bloody Heaven, I have to do everything myself around here, don't I?" she snarled, grabbing the covers and crawling beneath, shifting closer till their bodies were laying side by side. She brought an arm over Aziraphale's stomach, encasing her body with her own. "Humans always have to fuck things up, then I have to clean up their messes."

"I suppose I really am a mess, hm?"

"What-no! You're _fantastic_. Yeah, that's right, I'm going to fill that bastard's role for tonight and tell you that you were absolutely superb." she cackled as if she was breaking some kind of rule and thus fulfilling her role as a bringer of evil. Aziraphale tried to smile, but she was shaking again. "You're stunning, sublime, so very clever. You were patient, you did just perfectly. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you."

Aziraphale hiccuped, a tear sliding down her cheek. The demon noticed and froze, about to shift away before the angel caught her arm and held on. "No, no, I'm alright...I just wasn't...expecting that. Please keep going."

Crowley stared down at her, face flushed and twitching. "You're sure? Not everyone likes to be touched after something like this. You can tell me at any point to leave you alone to rest." More tears were welling up at her words. She'd been given a choice. She hadn't had a choice before. Not like this.

"Please, stay. I'm alright, I just had a little bottled up I suppose. He told me to shut up when this happened..."

"S'right...go on and cry. Let everything out." she whispered as she layed back, curling her legs around the other's. "How strong you are, how bright and intelligent. So capable, so mighty and breathtaking. I'm lucky just to be in the presence of you."

"He'd _never_ say anything like that." she whimpered, eyes glassy with wetness, tears dribbling onto the sheets. Crowley whisked a handkerchief out of thin air and dabbed it around the angel's face, humming a little under her breath.

"Of course he wouldn't, wanker that he is. Doesn't know a literal fucking angel when he sees one. Blind in more ways than one." Aziraphale pretended not to notice how Crowley's mouth was softly grazing over her neck, stroking her shoulders all the while. It felt indescribably good to feel such a gentle touch, and she worried that if she reacted in any way she'd stop. "Bet he never said something like 'I'm going to take care of you no matter what happens', or 'You're mine. You belong to me and me alone'. No, I guess he wouldn't have the sense, would he?"

"No, he told me I was weak, that I was too noisy. When I quieted down he told me I wasn't crying enough. I didn't know what to do, he just kept telling me I wasn't enough, and I-I stayed there and let it happen."

"Hey, _hey_...you did absolutely nothing wrong, understand? The fault's on him. You didn't know what you were getting yourself into, and he certainly wasn't going to guide you. He wanted to take care of his own desires while completely ignoring your own, your comfort, your safety." There was a sharp hiss in her voice that subsided as she felt the angel shiver harder, directing her attention back to the soft strokes along her belly. "S'alright to want to give up control for a while. You've done nothing wrong."

They stayed quiet for a while, just the sound of breathing and hands rolling over fabric in slow patterns. Crowley's little kisses had become more pronounced, peppering around her throat and ear, stopping occasionally to check if it was still alright to do so, growing more confident when Aziraphale leaned into the touches.

The angel was finally relaxing, and now that a majority of the tension had drained from her body, she was exhausted. Her mind was as tired as the rest of herself, and within another few minutes she fell into a deep sleep

*

Aziraphale awoke to find she was alone again. It really wasn't surprising...in fact, for all she knew the entirety of the night before could've very well been some kind of hallucination brought on by exhaustion and stress. 

Hearing a tiny hiss, she looked down and saw a very small, black sneak nestled around her arm. She'd been hugging it unknowingly, and hesitantly loosened her hold. It hissed again in irritation, glowering up at her.

"Oh, sorry to wake you, dear. I wasn't expecting you to have such...an odd way of napping." The serpent slid from her chest and to the other side of the bed, Crowley appearing in its place a moment later. Her hair was tousled from changing forms and she gave it a hard shake, yawning loudly before sinking back down by the angel's side.

"Guess I would've woken eventually, sad fact of existing. How're you feeling?" 

"Better. I can hardly remember what even happened yesterday. I know you were with me, and we talked right here for a while-"

"Eh, might not want to think to hard about the nasty details. I spent a while trying to undo what I could."

"Oh...now I remember. It's foggy though, thankfully." she spoke coldly, wishing she hadn't stirred at all. Sleeping the day away sounded quite nice right now. "Thank you. I don't know why my vessel reacted so strongly to the events of yesterday, but you were a wonderful help."

"Don't thank me, s'bad for my complexion."

"Well, just know that I'm grateful either way."

"Right, right." She stared up at the ceiling, though Aziraphale knew her eyes were trailing back onto her every few minutes. "Angel...why did you, er...you know...a _human_ of all things?"

"You'll have to be a little more specific."

"Why would you want to do this with a human?" she questioned, voice coming out too fragile for her liking. "S'just...I don't get. I mean, some stranger you didn't even know, with something this extreme...not judging, mind you, just wondering."

"What you mean to ask is 'why would you let them hurt you', isn't it?" she asked softly, wrapping the blankets more snugly around her shoulders. "I don't know, Crowley. These past decades I've just been doing an awful lot of thinking. Remembering things that happened before I came to Earth, and since Armageddon it's been getting worse. I feel as though I've done wrong, that She's disappointed in me, and...I don't know, I suppose I just wanted to punish myself."

"Then why the fuck would you ask someone else to do it?" She asked a little more sharply than she meant, quickly adding, "Again, not judging. You haven't done anything wrong. I'd be lying if I said I haven't tried different things to make myself hurt. Feels good to feel pain when you're seeking it out, doesn't it? Feels primal."

"Exactly." she sighed, leaning back in the pillows. 

"...Still, why a stranger? Why a puny little human? If you wanted someone to hurt you like this, wouldn't it make more sense to...ah..." 

"What's that?"

"Nothing. Just, you know, s'kind of my job to inflict suffering on others. Thought there'd be an obvious choice here." She started humming a Queen song under her breath, coughing. "Because I know all about rules, contracts, consent of course. Remember how I asked you maybe ten times for permission before we switched bodies?"

"Oh yes, I was wondering about that."

"Right...and just, most of them don't know anything about limits or how to make it feel _really_ good. So you want to feel punished, you want to let things out on your own terms. Maybe you just want to let go and be taken care of by someone who knows exactly what they're doing, what you want. I'm just saying, if you wanted any of that..." She looked over and saw how much Aziraphale was blushing, quickly stroking along her back and trying to rephrase her words. "Ah-ah I mean, I'm sure after last night you wouldn't want to experience anything like that ever again. I won't bring it up anymore."

"No, it's okay...may I ask, do demons take enjoyment from hurting others?"

"Some do. Mostly they just like inflicting loads of paperwork on the masses, giving them unexpected deadlines..."

"...Crowley, if it'd been you last night, would you have liked hurting me? Would you have told me to cry more for you?" The demon started growling under her breath, unexpectedly wrapping her arms tightly around the angel's waist.

" **No**. _Never_. Maybe...maybe I might've tied you in something soft, if you wanted to feel controlled. Satin, something cool and slippery, watch you writhe around in it. Maybe I would've given you simple commands, watched you try your best to comply even in your restrictions. There wouldn't be any repercussions, anything you'd do would be more than enough for me." she started to clamp her mouth shut but saw how attentively the angel was staring, feeling a bit encouraged.

"Maybe I would've set you on the ground by my feet, let you relax and let go of control. If you asked for punishment, I'd give it to you, but I'd always be gentle, always make sure you were alright...mark you in all the places you want." She just barely grazed a fingertip along Aziraphale's thigh, drawing her hand back before she noticed. "- **Purely _hypothetically_** , of course. Since you asked." 

"Oh..." she whispered, suddenly a little breathless. "That does sound...rather nice. Nothing like last night."

"Yeah, and I would give you an option to quit at any time. We'd talk everything out before and after, make absolutely sure you'd feel alright with everything. Then...well, I suppose we'd end up the same as before you fell asleep. I'd wrap you up in my arms, or perhaps let you soak in a warm tub, make you a piping hot meal if that's what you wanted. Tell you over and over how proud I was, how good you did. Again, hypothetically."

"Would you say I belonged to you again?"

"Of courssse." she hissed out, giving her hip a gentle squeeze. "I'd tell you again and again, make it known with words and action. I'd have you tell me as well. Have you say that you were my property, my lovely _angel_. Under my protection, under my care. You'd never fear any of Heaven or Hell ever again, knowing that I'd always watch over you. I'd tend to you, give you whatever you wanted. If you desired something, I'd give it to you before you could hardly utter the words. You'd be safe, and you'd feel _adored_."

"You'd achieve all that in just one night?" she chuckled, rubbing over Crowley's hand that rested on her belly.

"Oh, one night wouldn't be enough. You'd always want more, come back to me and beg me for it, and I'd give you anything you asked for. Would you like that? To be mine?"

"It's dreadfully tempting, I admit..." she murmured, slowly grasping onto the demon's hand and guiding it down her abdomen. Crowley jolted, letting out a surprise breath, then a pleased hiss as her fingers settled over something very soft and warm, squishing instinctively over thin fabric. "I'm curious what you'd do right now if you could do anything you wanted. All this and that about the future...what if I told you I'd give myself to you?"

"I'd take you up on that offer without question. How could I possibly pass on such a gift? C-Cause er, you know, owning an entire _angel_ would be a big deal in Hell. I'd get such a good raise."

"What if I told you I wanted you? That you could touch me as you wished. How would you respond to that?" Crowley carefully tested out a glide of a finger, feeling something stiffen beneath Aziraphale's knickers. She let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, adding more fingers and beginning a slow, gentle rub. The angel moaned quietly, arching back into the demon's stomach. 

"I'd want to make you feel good. I'd want to erase everything that made you feel like you didn't deserve the kind of pleasure you give others. I'd-I'd touch you right here." She leaned closer and just barely trailed the tip of her tongue over Aziraphale's neck, which was tilting and giving her more exposed skin with every passing second.

"Right in this sweet, tender place. I'd mark you here, bite you just hard enough to leave evidence that you're mine. If you...really liked it, I'd sink my teeth just a little harder, suck down on the skin till it's nicely pink." Her lips were already locked in place, and so were her teeth. Carefully nipping, testing for reactions. Giving her time to say no. "And soon enough I'd make you feel more pleasure than you can possibly imagine. You'd cry out my name and I'd see you through it...purely-"

"Purely hypothetically?" she teased, gasping when that hand inched below her knickers, rolling her hips into the touch and feeling Crowley softly bite at her throat.

"Purely."

*

"Uh...can I help you?" the man sighed, yawning as he looked his out doorway at a very attractive woman with long fiery locks of hair. The night was strangely dark, the light of the moon having disappeared despite the fact that there were no clouds in the sky. "It's almost midnight...but fuck it, I can make an exception for someone like you, babe. Wanna come in? Have a drink?"

"No thank you, love. I'm here on account of some unfinished business. This isn't going to take very long." Crowley said in a silken voice, already forcing her way in the moment she finished speaking and blocked out the terrified cries of one very unfortunate gentleman when the door slammed shut. 

**Author's Note:**

> 💀


End file.
